i miss my grandmother. i needed more years to get to understand her. to get to really know her. and for her to know some other version of me than some confused teen. 

hopefully not though

people suffer so much in the abscene of other people. they need the story. maybe they need the love

theres no telling that being loved at 22 is being loved at 32 being loved at 42 being loved at 52 but it feels like a gurantee. well never end up like these people. but we might. 

texts sent to a friend

btw what he and her had wasnt love. he wasnt offering her love he was offering her admiration, nothing grown up, just pure lust and fascination and none of that lasts even in the mind of a stupid girl. it doesnt feel right to be put on a pedestal and to be seen as this fragile thing that he doesnt deserve (and, even worse, bc shes Beautiful. not bc shes worthwhile. her physical features are just right for his neurosis.) even if it comes w as being looked at as a god it lacks respect. the thing ur looking for in him i dont think hes ever felt for her and is not ready for at all

being romanticized isnt cute its limiting its damaging. its wrong too. its wrong to use a whole person to fit your own personal story. of how youre gonna feel better now when you have this. its too much to put on another human being just as shitty as you are. if he wants to live out this tragic story where he at 20 something has had the best thing hes ever gonna have and lifes just never gonna be the same. then he needs to do it without you. and its clear its that story he tells himself over and over again. you need a much better life. you need to want that for yourself


everything you get, youve asked for. 
people have the place in our life weve assigned them. were more responsible than they are for the damage they cause. 


"when im old, id wanna be able to go out to bar if i want. what should i do, have to stay in because my face is older now?"
thats part of it though. aging isnt just your face getting older. aging is experience. aging is knowledge. isnt, but can and should be. 
just as we wont go to certain clubs anymore, not out of boredom but out of, no one we like no one we know no one we have anything to Get anything from, is here.
maybe its positive if there is some sort of interest in the younger generations in an old person, but not to the extent where theyll join them.
ill type more about thi when my mouths not full of avocado toas´t 
old people have nothing to Get from being numb, from YOUTH, from inexperience. when youve learned your lessons right, theres none here for you .


every relationship is incredibly limited. a stranger as much as a husband

you love them and you cant talk about certain things. the past becomes an issue. becomes a potential threat to what is now


 im completely willing to get my heart broken but not in the way i would have thought about it when i was 18. 


if he wants to fuck someone else, he will. if he doesnt, he wont. 
thats a lot coming from someone who just went through someone elses blog posts. 


a woman said "youre taking that painting out to the rain?"
and he responded det blir så man måste göra det meaning "thats what it becomes it has to be done" 
haha. jesus. someone had a good dad 

aj aj aj

"where are the cars"
"we just have the box, but if u call them theyll tell u"
"i just thought you knew where they stood, but then ill call them"
the way she looked at me just now, angrily, making a mean comment 
this 50 year old woman haha
how am i supposed to be annoyed about what i Was annoyed about when people are going around being this....... strange
she asks me what mouth piece to use for the car, bla bla, i tell her bring both just in case. she says 
"you should tell them to put up a sign so i know which one of these im not the only one who rents a car for the first time" 
"its the first time and she doesnt know anything here" she just talked about me when im sitting right here haha
did vernon send you. youre a bitch


Vernon gave us this beautiful exercise because it’s for our true health and happiness.
     This is an exercise to increase our awareness of something that is not a part of the old mechanical life. Ask yourself, “What was I about to say?”
     Be determined to give yourself little jolts, and one you can give yourself is to be without your usual reaction to a situation. For instance, always saying the same things. Catch yourself saying,  “Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles,” and when you realize it’s just a mechanical habit, that’s the impetus to be more aware when saying it. Now, you can dare what all your life you called darkness, which is the unknown, and now you can go right into it and not have anything to say. You will then know for yourself when you don’t say “That’s the way the cookie crumbles” that there’s the empty space, which means there will be the non-re-creation of you.
     If you endure it, you hear the darkness lie to you and say, “You’re coming to an end, fill up the space with a remark, anything, say anything.” Stay awake and try to see what you are just about to say, and remember do not try to stop it. If you try to stop it, you are trying to stop it. Now you have inserted a you who is going to stop an old you, and they’re both you and they’re both wrong.
     Thought has no place in this operation. Notice the arising thoughts for you to say, “That’s the way the cookie crumbles,” and then eliminate the phrase forever.
     When you go home, take a piece of paper and at the top write Shock List, then write your favorite phrases you use when speaking to other people. Now, you may have two hundred of them, but just get the most frequent ones.
     The catching of the mechanical is the changing.
"Det är nog lugnt" 

the man obeying nature wins. you cant rewrite some books

ive been thinking about men. women too. im sitting in the reception and everywhere around me theres construction going on. you can picture it i wont learn the words to paint you a picture. lets work together here. whos reading? MATTHEW? HEJ!
women come up to me, having just walked by men in uniforms carrying saws and younger boys carrying furniture, commenting on the loud noise, on the mess. "nice working enviornment" they say, wanting me to agree. i dont
its seeing so many different kinds, maybe more, same kind different time, of people at the same time. no matter what they are and how long theyve been this and how long they will remain. of men. men are a different world from me no matter what theyre like, but seeing that theyre that to each other too, is just a little bit much.
these people in these meetings so capable one moment and so useless the next. the man obeying nature wins. he can build a house. you can con people out of their money. the way old men talk to each other is different. maybe stupid people too. thats where my references have come from. idiots and old men. old men afraid of honesty and openness and idiots incapable of it. i never expected men to talk to each other the way this boy and his friends do but now when i know that this is a possability, i can see it more. 
an old man made a rude joke about someone and a boy fake smiled. boys are better than men. thats my conclusion. the boy could be called a man too probably. hes not a child. just not an old man


my favorite thing about old men is how reluctant the good ones are to entertain you. to acknowledge you at all. unless they have to, and its rarely they have to. they should be reluctant. theres nothing, or at least very little except maybe some insight to how different the world is now, a 22 year old has to offer them if theyre looking at them right. and i did call them good. meaning what a 22 year old obviously has, that has nothing to do with Having and everything to do with being, doesnt interest a good man. 
you can see who has that light of, it might be awareness, or it might just be intelligence no matter how its been taken care of, in their eyes. and he does. 

its not

ill make a parody of anything youre feeling. especially if ive felt it before. maybe only if i have 
i repress my paranoia so well i think its missing 

nothing to

i have nothing to complain about which makes blogging difficult. made instagram useless. theres nothing to be annoyed at. nothing to work through. nothing to obsess about.  
the honesty ive been looking for has found me and im not sure ive deserved it. i wont obsess about that either. 


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