FEELING

i cant feel any way about anyone without wondering what that says about me. 
 
why does amber herds face annoy me and why doesnt blake livelys? 
 
maybe thats too much world view in one sentence. ahhhh why doesnt one pretty girl equal another pretty girl. its not based on absolutely nothing, theyre not models, and even if they were, that wouldnt even be based on nothing. i know what im seeing when im seeing someone move. i know what to make of it. it might take me a year to realize somethings harming me, but it wont take me a year to realize im bored. thats closer to one minute. and thank god. thats at least one thing i wont die of.
 
all the prettiest boys ive ever seen have all sort of looked like me. haha. how about that one. 

shirts and sweaters

im thinking of everything as misunderstandings and thats mostly what it is. other peoples context. vs yours. im very aware these arent new ideas but lately everythings been looking like Mostly this. like the description of the thing. it gets harder to feel things too, when youre too busy describing them. which is good. i shouldnt be feeling any type of way about small misunderstandings. about not living in the same world as people i can tell, by one look, i dont.
 
i told a 40 something year old woman she had a nice sweater. she looked around. i assumed it was because she didnt expect me to say that. nah. she was wearing a shirt. i made a joke saying "youre not wearing a sweater?" as in. not clothed. 
 
here the word for sweater is really. more of what everyone says for whatever top youre wearing. or at least thats the world ive been living in. so this is something specific to her. maybe people notice and think of you as unedcutated, which is about as pathetic, but shes pettier and wants you to be factually correct when you give her a compliment. the shirt was nice though 
 
im wondering whats wrong with her though. if what i, someone who feel like i make up the meaning of words most of the time, see as pettiness, is being literal. being factual. caring about these things. too much, but still, who am i to decide its too much. (its too much) id be less forgiving if she was my age, if i properly and thoroughly understood where she comes from and who she is. 

i have lunch in 3 minutes

"after some amount of fucking gates the rich person goes to hell. its just like that"
 
texts sent to liana.

not for long though

it feels like a great shame that so many lives we would have loved to live, that we could have learned from, are forgotten but it might actually be the only way it gets to remain pure. what it actually is. not used for some purpose, not simplified or perverted. just what it is. everything it is, exactly what it is.
 
well be names on a tomb stone. i can wait 

socialism

other than not caring about "sak-frågor" which is a word im not bothered to learn in this language, i dont think i know much less about politics than i should.
 
i can get behind socialsm on everything except for culture. i dont mean to be using other peoples definitions or words, but masculinity wont be bound more than it has. cant be. theres only so much compromise before it either becomes explosive or it complies. and no one wants either of that. no ones mostly just me. 
 
and even so i guess i cant really. i dont value what they value. i cant read about people working without wanting to die a little. 
 
its all incredibly depressing. 
 
 

inviduality

everythings discouraging but theres nothing like empty conversations. or expecting them. and i am expecting them. im going to a family thing. i expect a headache and some words ill try to tell the blog 
 
i can feel whats in the way of me connecting to you. talking to you like i would someone else.
 
id give up all parts of my inviduality if it meant connecting to more people. enjoying the company of so few is frustrating. id say thats true for everyone but i know it isnt. its not an accident im not sitting with a group of 5 people i call friends at a cafee right this moment. 
 
this ones boring. im not deleting it but 

time. era.

theres no time, no era youll ever know as intimately as your own. now in a way 1930s hadnt ever heard of. but it all adds up to nothing. theres better things for you to learn. 

the information most useless to others is the most useful to you. find out whay you need and how youre gonna get it. 


reluctant to grow

im reluctant to grow. there isnt enough air in this town to go around. but i sorta like the idea of not being able to breathe 

boring! bored! not longing for anything that isnt an idea

i might move. somewhere. 


nerves. we have them?

nervous old women upset me. you shouldnt be so nervous. neither should i

The Look of you

i refuse to believe the Look of people isnt enough
 
i dont know what things mean, you know, i dont know what it means when someone says were going somewhere, i realize when im there or 5 minutes later after ive said yes and now i wish i had said no
 
i know who i like. for example. not this brown haired woman who just walked into the room
 
id love to be counted out by the look of me. not while im wearing a black dress though. thats just unrealistic 

not much

theres more to it but

too reluctant to suffer to make anything that means anything to anyone. too ready to repress anything not desireable. in a way that is more likely to lead to a life the middle classes would call sane than a life of whatever we think art can give us. the craziness expresses itself in some sporadic outburts. maybe ill collect something. any sick housewife. im excited

im not finishing these thoughts i wanna put clothes on not think

being pickier. having nothing to choose from
 
you always have things to choose from. but somtehing youre not looking for, is also gonna be not looking for you. 
 
law of whatever. theres always wrong lives wrong decisions youre saying no to. 
 
making less mistakes, having less crushing memories to look back to 
 
 
 
 

DARK CORNERS

the story is written after it happens. as it happens no corner is darker than any other corner. and when it is, wed know better than to describe it as such.
 
 

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