its not

ill make a parody of anything youre feeling. especially if ive felt it before. maybe only if i have 
 
i repress my paranoia so well i think its missing 

nothing to

i have nothing to complain about which makes blogging difficult. made instagram useless. theres nothing to be annoyed at. nothing to work through. nothing to obsess about.  
 
the honesty ive been looking for has found me and im not sure ive deserved it. i wont obsess about that either. 
 

i guess ill be starting a new blog

i spend so much time fighting my nature i forget what it is. i need a new blog because i just felt like i needed to be vague in order not to have a problem im not interested in having. fine. 

meh.

everything is true always. i cant type on this keyboard because ive been gone from it for two weeks and at the end of this sentence i can. 
 
my point is whats true of the fear of crowded places is true of thinking you have to hide. thinking what you are isnt good enough and it needs to be hidden. you start to trust it because if what you were was good enough, why would you have been hiding all this time.
 
terrible things are done out of hiding. worse things than what you, i, am, are, doing. but still. its bad enough. a bad life is bad enough. even if the concequences are small, theyre huge for you. when youre not living the way you should. 
 
i want openness but im scared to death by it. it makes me incapable of saying words, like a teenage boy in a tv drama who cant say i love you. 

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