i should write this down and i will

i have a hard time looking at my mother like anything but something i dont want to be. i have a hard time empathizing with her because ive made her into a monster for a long time. our relationship is damaged and considering what both her and me are like, will probably always be damaged but it doesnt need to be from my end. she doesnt need to forgive me for me to be able to forgive her.
its hard to see parents as mechianisms. not only because their mechanisms are in you but also because theyre in the way of you. 
i talked to her seriously about her hoarding. she told me that she used to collect the packages to her fathers cigars. she had about 1000 of them. when she came back from vacation her grandmother had thrown them all out. and because the times were different, the reaction was nothing. saying something meant getting slapped. so she never dealt with it. and she still hasnt. 
i think i cant ever see myself in her but i can. it just takes sitting her down for her to reveal it. and i shouldnt be surprised. i dont talk seriously to just anyone, and even when i do its not that clear. 
its not me who thought of the idea to Forgive a parent. ill try my best too though. im trying to be more patient with her too. not add as much craziness to the whole situation. 
anyway. im gonna study


its not that you know them, its who you know. 
when they say i would have never expected (them) to do this, thats because theyre stupid, not because no one was able to see it coming.
the men who rape and kill children arent innocent men even before. theyre men that have been to prison, men who do drugs, men who have showed in more than one way that maybe, just maybe, stay away from him. if you werent from the same situation as him youd be able to spot the sickness in him like the rest of us can. the reason we stay away from him, is because we can. 
i guess people cant be blamed for that. and i guess we cant spot every kind of sickness. but this is the kind the animal inside of you should be able to. 
im thinking of a specific case and a specific man but i forgot what his name was. some little girl in glasses in england. 
 theres a reason were never the ones in trouble. in any sort of real trouble, at least. we cant attract this and we never will. the reason our partner never stabs us in the head with a hammer, is because that man wouldnt ever be invited into our home. not accidentally, not through association, not through nothing. 
if were getting killed its because were out walking when we shouldnt be. not because we love someone we shouldnt. 

if a crazy woman cant fix you no one can

me as a psychologist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3uNwSuo30
id say imagine being Fixed by a crazy woman but thats stupid. who else!
although i feel like the symptoms of your craziness shouldnt be so Out there in the world. but im not sure that sort of being able to pretend is being anymore sane.
Seeming sane is a lot of effort. im not sure its the sanest of us who pull the act off. i look and sit completely different here, now, in public than i would at home. thats also the reason my entire body aches when i get home. from the lying. even when its the body doing it. i guess technically its anxiety but it sounds the same to me. anyway. the difference is enough awareness to have shame. maybe. being connected to the world means knowing whats frowned upon. effort is another thing. a lack of it becomes depression becomes sickness. so theres something natural about not wanting to be accosiated with it. wanting to be considered, too, wanting to be taken seriously, realizing on an instinctual if not concious level that acting right is part of that. 

as a fuck you to nature

you can build whatever you want. nature will wreck it if its wrong 


conflicts are complicated nets for you to untangle. or choose not to.

i wouldnt call it an accident

We will never do anything not asked of us. body and mind. our muscles wont grow unless we make them by breaking them down. and neither will we.
the worlds asks you to be kind and you are. the world asks you to take your clothes off and you do. the world asks you to only leave the house when you have to, and you do. 
 its true of years too. you are the world you were born into. old women born in the 30s who the years have made naive, will never be able to adjust to hell.  
being completely broken down and crushed is the only way to ever grow. i might shrink 


saw a woman crawl comfortably in filfth. was wondering if shes thinking about washing her hands. rememberd shes a psychologist. shes used to filfth 


People dont have any sort of plan. your aunt (and since im using your, yes, its mine) is married to someone not because she lost her great love in a motorcycle accident but because she just needs someone. what i assumed was her great love might as well have been someone.
my mother summed it up like when you dont have kids, you do. and thats what it is. my mother has me and my sister to bother her, even though its complicated, maybe especially because its complicated. Your aunt, mine, doesnt have that. 
so to sum someones entire life up. lets get married. lets have kids. DO NOT DIVORCE ME 
oh. and the actual point was. in movies theres plans. theres a grand scheme you know. in real life theres day to day. why am i a receptionist? this isnt a life lived for the description of it, and it shouldnt be. but i guess falling into something and making it your life is as absurd as. okay im bored with this thought 


being ready is a concept for worse people.
men need to be ready a lot later because the world lets them be worse. the world doesnt mind if theyre whores, so theyll be whores. not all but so many. 
if you find something good being young isnt gonna stop you from holding onto it. and whats right now wouldnt have been any other time, ever. 
why am i going with middle class peoples definitons of anything. im too sick to fit in this room. too sane too 


i dont want to thank time for anything thats mine. i dont want to have anything because Time lets me. 
i want to be able to count the reasons In Spite and for them to be overwhelmingly many. or else i wont trust it. 


i am so sick of religious people being called hateful. what do you think god is? whatever approves of you? love on your conditions? its not about what you want its about something bigger.

yes. morals tends to hurt.

Not being a complete animal doesnt come naturally to the man wearing the most expensive suit. he has to try a little too. maybe not as much as you. but a little. 

god doesnt tend to pray to satan.

absolute sinners. confusing their sickness for the worlds. 

dont talk about what they should feel after leaving a place you would burn if you even entered. 

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