over over over over over


i keep thinking a relationship isnt a thing you can switch off and on, if someone can go away, if that idea is even there in your mind, they will and youll be waiting for it the entire time
you being real and not just in their head is entirely up to you. all the time. 
so its not true. its not an unhealthy relationship its just a relationship. but its an unhealthy one for you because everything is unhealthy for you. and of course im you. i think other than matthew checling this blog once thats the only person im talking to on here. and Good 
you can switch relationship off and on. you do it all the time. you stop contacting people, they stop contacting you. the only way theyll get information about you is if someone else knows, and maybe, no one they know knows.
but theres a difference with it being entirely up to someone else telling you. they build their reality for you in words and you can connect to them only by that. im starting to describe this as badly as i describe my dreams after waking up still tired. 
i lie a lot. ive been thinking about that a lot. ive been trying to do better and when i try to do better, i try to try to do better, and i slept for 13 hours and did nothing i was supposed to do today. listening to vernon made me panic and i dont want to do it today and i havent decided if i will or if i wont yet
i realized something new gave me hope and i lost it. i dont learn from losing hope but i should and its about time
when nothing much happens its easier to see exactly what you need to do but im doing a great job at resisting it. i think ill try to avvoid social media. i use it way more when im unhappy and i dont think it does anything but build onto that exact thing 
this is too long now and its giving me nothing. ive been listening to jordan peterson today and he makes me panic thinking about how much t here is to know and ow little of it i know. i cant imagine going to uni becase i cant imagine reading books. i dont want to learn anything but i also dont want to be this. i saw this woman i recognized in another city, 50, or so, working in the supermarket. i recognized her from that same supermarket. nice. polite. whatever. i dont want to be that. i also dont want to be any other woman i see. 



i dont know if i spelled panicking right

its right this time

writing makes me feel better and i refuse

except i dont refuse. im gonna listen to a tape that makes me panic because i dont think its me thats panicking. 

today i bought a new coat that cost twice as much as my old coat

interesting huh? i should be a fashion blogger

i saw this girl with a scarf tied around her neck, i dont read books so thats as detailed as i 1 can 2 AM WILLING to be, walking around talking on the phone in a store and mumbled something rude to my friend and she said she used to work with her. "shes in debt. everything she owns is gucci" lol. i guess you dont know whos an upperclass bore and whos a complete crazy person. of course theyre both insane. but ones more fun 

trying on worse lives for size

more miserable more depraved more soulless 

im not sure i care about aesthetics at all. if im looking out for it. i dont think so 

retelling of stories

it took 3 hours to get to her, being a lot more than that if the entire thing wasnt a retelling of something else, because she is the woman youd have to deserve. not the one you can get as is. i always wonder when i see men in suits if another man in a suit would say it fits them but theres no man to ask so i never know

now, id think. that woman isnt me. but theres more to it than that and that is that that man isnt you.

completely different stories, never meant to intertwine and actually, it barely did. when its not 2311, it didnt

spending hours to watch something and then pausing when you get to the point you wanted to get to, until youre ready. im not sure wht im saying.

i psoted something on instagram and wondered if it made me look like a bitch. came to the conclusion that i dont care, and actually, good. i hope so

i didnt explain well at the top. maybe ill rewrite it later. for now im brushing my teeth

Bla bla bla, öppna det inte och det finns inget problem

like not knowing bad news because no ones told you about it 

great. absolutely amazing. ill never tell myself about it and ill never know
im watching mindhunter and theres a naive man in a suit i dont like as the main charachter. nothing like any man in a suit id know about i just dont like him. the shows fine, but ive been waiting for more than an hour now for anna torv to show up 

say this and mean it

Skriv inläggstext 


theres a few ways it can go but its all going the same way

youll say something or you wont say something but it will be clear that its over. ill never find you anywhere and youd never look for me 

you know my full name, you can find me as long as i live, and you will never want to

heres parts of a dream

Two mice. Theres animals everywhere, mostly fake, as some sort of threat. I open up this closet, slowly in case theyd just jump out at me. I put the mice when i realize theyre pets and Alive (bc of the colors, beigh and? idk) in some sort of box. i try to figure out how to make a cage that holds them but doesnt kill them. Trying a bunch of times. Fixing it. Then someone turns on a fan and theres also already music in the room, i tell someone to, i think my sister to turn it down. She asks someone else how to then does it. I move the mice further away from the fan. Its too loud and theyre sleeping.   

walking into this bowling hall, to get the mice. But theyre not there anymore, a cop had put them so they could escape if they wanted to and telling me that they were wild and thats why they escaped. I get annoyed. Every pet will escape. I know the colors i know they werent wild. they didnt bite me 

i googled translations and it didnt help me at all. i dont know if the symbolism is im seeing a problem and dealing with it OR im clinging to a problem and trying to make sure i can keep it forever


you put someone in a situation where they feel like they need to defend themselves, and theres no telling what theyll do. what you can be certain of is that theyll choose themselves. every time. theyll betray themselves to make sure you dont. you cant take from me i take from me. 
they. i love using they when i mean we, when i mean me, when i mean you and me. linguistic hoops. some blonde said that. a blonde as crazy as any other blonde. im glad no one reads these.
im watching lockup and theres two brothers. one brother is talking to the cops only when hes sure the other brother is going to put the blame on him. he thinks his brother chose himself over him, and because of that, hes about to do the same thing. 
i feel like relationships should be tested this way but i dont even know a relationship that can stand someone looking the wrong direction. i guess thats the same though. i think so. ill analyze making a cup of tea of course ill analzye that. "if you admire her so much" im biting a purple toothbrush 
i took out my contacts and my eyes hurt. goodnight. i say goodnight to blogs now. who are you saying goodnight to? 

the enviornment bores me. the enviornment bores me. the enviornment bores me. the enviornment bores me.

i dont care about anything lasting forever. 
you have purpose the way a rat has purpose. im making your favorite meal 
btw whats your favorite meal? 

i have standards, i will not drink peppermint tea

i knew when i smelled the peppermint tea before putting it in the water id never drink it and i still waited for it to be done before i poured it down the drain. thats what im like. everyone that tells you youre overanalyzing is lazy. youre not analyzing anything enough. ill write an entire book about this
its not being sure. its considering it, the entire time, 
if i wanted to leave the country i could have, in a week. and maybe it would have been fun. actually im sure of it. but its not right. i know what i have to do and as long as im not doing it, everything else will feel like the wrong thing because everything else is the wrong thing.
theres a completely different life out there for you if you put effort into it

Tell me about your day dont



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