heres a good song

i know you all speak swedish 

old but relevant

the world denies you shit but thats all you have, too. 

‪the devil doesnt wanna possess you and neither do i ‬

just kidding. were playing chess for your soul. im gonna cheat to make sure i win 

i made 11 of these


update: i recounted at it was probably more like 9. so either i miscounted and im stupid or i lied and im a liar. both very likely 

27 october and 26 august

everything makes me impatient. someone makes a speech and tells you its over soon and something shifts. the way you listen shifts. the way you sit the way you tilt your head 
its the same in relationships. you can tell someones going to bed, or going to leave you forever, and youre IMPATIENT for them to. notice how i SAY YOU WHEN I MEAN ME
i think in words. actually thats not true, i think in WRITING. i dont think i thought before i started writing things down. thats how i know what i mean thats how i know whats going on. i used to hate blogging because i used to not be in touch with what was going on with me at all. and ive never been the type to write about what i had for dinner so something else was the only option if it was gonna be done. im boing myself so ill stop
heres those exact same thoughts from the 26 august 00:58 
when somethings ending i dont care what it is an interaction an entire relationship, when its clear its ending because the other person has made it clear, i get impatient. ah its not done yet yo done uet

this is from the walking dead. theres worse things to learn from

"I wish it didn't have to end, not this way. It was never my intention to hurt you, but it's how it has to be. We have so much here - people, food, medicine, walls, everything we need to live. But what we have other people want, too - and that will never change. If we survive this threat and it's not over, another one will be back to take its place, to take what we have. I love you all here. I do. And I'd have to kill for you. And I can't. I won't. Rick sent me away and I wasn't ever gonna come back, but everything happened and I wound up staying. But I can't anymore. I can't love anyone because I can't kill for anyone. So I'm going, like I always should have. Don't come after me, please."

try it

dont think about someone elses bedroom 


What youre denied is shit. The world denies you shit. It denies you false pleasures dedicated to convincing you its not. It denies you suffering for reasons youd think were pure. It denies you dying as clueless as you were born. It denies you naivitity. It denies you being a complete cliché. It denies you finding meaning in places there are none. It denies you hell. It denies you never, ever getting better. 
Trash, garbage, once was something else, something useful. I need a new word to call you

and probably worse

what makes you look back in history and say they shouldnt have done that, thats awful how could they have let that happen is what makes you the exact same kind of person who did that, who let that happen. the same kind of mechanisms are in play and youre every person you call evil

jealousy jealousy jealousy

i dont want your boyfriend, i dont want your apartment, i dont want your handbag, i dont want your dinner, i dont want to go to gran canaria
any jealousy i feel is always irrational. theres no one in my life, or who ive even met once, that im actually jealous of. and i dont mean that in a way thats looking down on what they have, or anything they are. theres beauty and theres love theres a sort of ease i think i lack and none of its bad its just nothing i need when i really see it.

beautiful friends, confident friends, happy friends, or people ive met once or not at all, dont have better more worthwhile lives and when i think of them i dont think of them like that. the love they have isnt more than the love i have, the men in their life isnt adding anything i cant do without, actually, isnt adding anything i wouldnt do better without. that i Am doing better without.
other than maybe looking at people i know and not understanding how they commit to things, or how they just Do them, and even that. it doesnt come with jealousy. so when im jealous, when i scroll instagram like literally anyone else looking for an excuse to feel bad, im lying to myself about what i want and what i need. there is a difference in actually wanting what someone else has and wanting the feeling you get from not having it. 
i think id love to have a family but its not something im actively missing, actively looking, aiming for and i dont think thats a bad thing. let me write that in a better way. its a good thing. i think if it is, anything and anyone will due. i dont want to, and i wont, live like that. 
im not happier at parties, im not happier when im busy, etc etc etc. im glad i cant commit to things im glad i cant properly lie to myself im glad its not enough. and it easily could be. 
a friend told me maybe were the kind of people that never know. and i said i hope thats not true. and i dont think it is. i wont halfway give myself to anything. so if theres anything, it wont be like that. and i think im becoming more and more willing to let there be nothing until there can be something. something real, worthwhile. 
i saw this girl on instagram, a friend of a friend, no one special but shes married and pregnant and shes redone her entire instagram to look like what she imagines her new life should be. white, modernistic, soulless, bs. one photo of a stroller, another of her stomach, the third i forgot. shes not even a mother and shes waiting for it to be her entire life. everyone is completely insane. trying on lives for size. hoping this ones it. 
maybe im like that but with sadness. i keep hoping ill be heartbroken ill be crushed without it ever actually happening. when i tweeted ive lied on my blog 5 times i meant these kinds of lies. trying out sentences to see if they make sense. i actually dont think it matters if they make sense, if theyre truthful. i know what they feel like and you dont need to know me that well. im a little heartbroken
i think i need security but i dont. not the kind thats out there at least. women need men to be strong? but are they? ever? 

matching colors badly is how you go to heaven. you can also be a good person. thats less fun

22 okt, 01:22

i started thinking of this blog as my twitter and i love it. i understand it now
i looked at photos of other people and im good. i take back feeling like im gonna suffocate. 
i dont like my choices but theyre ideal. id hate the life youre living. it doesnt matter who it is, i dont want what they have. 

i wont, btw

once i figure something out i wont talk about it at all. so sometimes. most of the time. when someone brings something up to me its like. ok so you want me to convince you you believe this? you want me to convince you this is worthwhile?
then theres things i dont like talking about because theres too much of it. like gender differences. coming up all the time. the only way you can speak about it with any sort of clarity is if you lie. if you exagerate. if you choose, and on purpose, because youre not stupid enough even though your life sure suggests you might be to not see more than what you can say in words, to simplify something. 
theres no need for us to simplify things. to make them less what they are. to make them make sense for us or for someone else. no ones buying our book. even better! we arent writing one.
i switched from i to you to We because it felt too personal. thats great.

i wont make this make more sense

i like flattery but i need it to be clear that its a lie. clear to me, i dont care what anyone else is doing when it comes to this. 
its lies you can spot VS lies you cant. 
its someone being upfront with what they are VS someone deluding themselves, and even worse, you, that theyre nothing like that at all. theyll do the exact same thing and walk away from it thinking theyre clean. the only real danger is unawareness 
ask any man whats the worst thing hes ever done. bla bla bla. 
im studying for a history exam and every time a king gets killed or replaced i nod
i prefer misguided empathy over whatever right-wingers think they have
i trust the left more than i trust the right. at least the left believe their own lies. the right just needs You to believe them. these are the rules for You. not them. theyre kings and queens in the world they made for themselves




my sleep schedule is off. giving up on delusions is no fun 

hi hello. hey

some girl on twitter "i just want everyone to know how much i fucking hate myself" i originally wrote some beautiful girl, then deleted it, now im adding it back because its relevant. i blocked her. 

having the same problems as someone else, as everyone else is pathetic. i dont want to be these things. im sure theres as many (not as many. but too many) people having this exact problem but at least we are no longer swimming in polluted water thinking its clear. im not entirely convinced though. i wrote "i dont think ill ever be" but i take that back. i didnt write that  

to be clear. my problem isnt wanting people to know i "fucking hate myself" what i dont want to have incommon with others is thinking i matter so much. Ah, My anxiety, My future, my. bla bla. thats exactly what this blog is though. although it might be more for me than for you. no, it is. im not trying to impress
the two of you that much. or at all actually. im good. this is ok. 


its not that the world upsets me its that i keep seeking out things i know will upset me. anger me, whatever, its all the same bullshit.

id stop drinking green smoothies if it wasnt for the fact that i feel so much better than before i did. i dont think im willing to sabotage my health to prove a point anymore

"if i am unnatural i will find other unnatural people enormously appealing to me" 

"refuse attractive things. say no to them" 

"you change yourself and they will runaway from you real fast" 

i feel sick

i knew this would make me sick and i still watched it
im gonna stop watching

dream 05:57 22 october

22 okt


dad. i tell him what im seeing. my worst nightmares. something real, something shallow. i think its odd that i cant SEE whats going on, just tell it to him. its like my only experience of it at first is telling him. 

finally finding a place to breathe w my face just above the surface. breathing well too. not being sure how long its gonna last, worrying about big breaths, worrying about breathing in water

something holding me down. like a force. female. witch. it wont give in or forgive me

at the very end of it i try to get up and i can sort of feel my body again, but i know i wont be able to get up just yet. theres this feeling of this is why shes put you here, so youll just be too tired to move eventually and die 

i feel like its punishing me from something

i wake up wanting to hug my father. 



i remember. harvey weinsteins wife is beautiful. he is what all that beauty got her. and im sure theres more to her, im sure she sold her soul for more than just his billions. but would i ever, for twice of what she has, even, be near that man? 

i wouldnt. so why would she. whats so fundamentally different, other than the obvious. the thing that makes a man (a better man than harvey weinstein, although you know, not really) die for her and not for me

i have to remind myself that its a blessing. its an opportunity to be more. its like growing up unhappy. you get to deserve it now. youre the only one that gets that. you arent the type that gets fired and lose your purpose. the type that finds out your husband cheated on you for years and never recover. youre a much better rat than that. or at least, you can be 

theres no gurantees. and if YOU dont work on yourself youre in more trouble than any billionares wife. there are some lies you need to believe in order to get worse in a way that could work for you and for the world and youre denied that, too. the way anyone is denied a life in hell. but, still 

i love rats. i dont think we should pretend we have anything more figured out than them

the idea of anyone other than the two people i showed this blog to seeing it makes me uncomfortable. im gonna go to bed. im such a great blogger. comment your name and #. 

im thinking about what kind of room i want to sit in for the next 50 years

im not coming up with anything good


so were just never gonna get better?

wxcuse me! my blog is having too many visitors! i didnt tell

i didnt tell this many people. some of you need to go or tell me you and your mothers name


you lost a sense of calm you never knew you had and youre gonna lose it again. 
i dont like thinking about my future so i dont. 


a worthwhile life has nothing to do with anything a man can give you if he decides youre worth it

i know you. i know you know 

parts of a dream. in someone elses house. "its beautiful but shes still just in here. shell get used to it and that will be that"
blue stairs to a bedroom. thinking about how to decorate someone elses house. im going to do something else now. 

lessons youve never learned because you never had to

men who think they have morals lie to themselves and YOU more than men who think they dont. keyword being think. 
not lying isnt enough. you have to tell the truth. and if youre not telling the truth you should at least know why. 
i waste my time a lot


i keep thinking a relationship isnt a thing you can switch off and on, if someone can go away, if that idea is even there in your mind, they will and youll be waiting for it the entire time
you being real and not just in their head is entirely up to you. all the time. 
so its not true. its not an unhealthy relationship its just a relationship. but its an unhealthy one for you because everything is unhealthy for you. and of course im you. i think other than matthew checling this blog once thats the only person im talking to on here. and Good 
you can switch relationship off and on. you do it all the time. you stop contacting people, they stop contacting you. the only way theyll get information about you is if someone else knows, and maybe, no one they know knows.
ive been trying to do better and when i try to do better, i try to try to do better, and i slept for 13 hours and did nothing i was supposed to do today. listening to vernon made me panic and i dont want to do it today and i havent decided if i will or if i wont yet
i realized something new gave me hope and i lost it. i dont learn from losing hope but i should and its about time
when nothing much happens its easier to see exactly what you need to do but im doing a great job at resisting it. i think ill try to avvoid social media. i use it way more when im unhappy and i dont think it does anything but build onto that exact thing 
this is too long now and its giving me nothing. ive been listening to jordan peterson today and he makes me panic thinking about how much t here is to know and ow little of it i know. i cant imagine going to uni becase i cant imagine reading books. i dont want to learn anything but i also dont want to be this. i saw this woman i recognized in another city, 50, or so, working in the supermarket. i recognized her from that same supermarket. nice. polite. whatever. i dont want to be that. i also dont want to be any other woman i see. 

i dont know if i spelled panicking right

its right this time

writing makes me feel better and i refuse

except i dont refuse. im gonna listen to a tape that makes me panic because i dont think its me thats panicking. 

today i bought a new coat that cost twice as much as my old coat

interesting huh? i should be a fashion blogger

i saw this girl with a scarf tied around her neck, i dont read books so thats as detailed as i 1 can 2 AM WILLING to be, walking around talking on the phone in a store and mumbled something rude to my friend and she said she used to work with her. "shes in debt. everything she owns is gucci" lol. i guess you dont know whos an upperclass bore and whos a complete crazy person. of course theyre both insane. but ones more fun 

trying on worse lives for size

more miserable more depraved more soulless 

im not sure i care about aesthetics at all. if im looking out for it. i dont think so 

retelling of stories

i psoted something on instagram and wondered if it made me look like a bitch. came to the conclusion that i dont care, and actually, good. i hope so

say this and mean it

Skriv inläggstext 


you put someone in a situation where they feel like they need to defend themselves, and theres no telling what theyll do. what you can be certain of is that theyll choose themselves. every time. theyll betray themselves to make sure you dont. you cant take from me i take from me. 
they. i love using they when i mean we, when i mean me, when i mean you and me. linguistic hoops. some blonde said that. a blonde as crazy as any other blonde. im glad no one reads these.
im watching lockup and theres two brothers. one brother is talking to the cops only when hes sure the other brother is going to put the blame on him. he thinks his brother chose himself over him, and because of that, hes about to do the same thing. 
i feel like relationships should be tested this way but i dont even know a relationship that can stand someone looking the wrong direction. i guess thats the same though. i think so. ill analyze making a cup of tea of course ill analzye that. 

the enviornment bores me. the enviornment bores me. the enviornment bores me. the enviornment bores me.

i dont care about anything lasting forever. 
you have purpose the way a rat has purpose. im making your favorite meal 
btw whats your favorite meal? 

i have standards, i will not drink peppermint tea

i knew when i smelled the peppermint tea before putting it in the water id never drink it and i still waited for it to be done before i poured it down the drain. thats what im like. everyone that tells you youre overanalyzing is lazy. youre not analyzing anything enough. ill write an entire book about this
its not being sure. its considering it, the entire time, 
if i wanted to leave the country i could have, in a week. and maybe it would have been fun. actually im sure of it. but its not right. i know what i have to do and as long as im not doing it, everything else will feel like the wrong thing because everything else is the wrong thing.
theres a completely different life out there for you if you put effort into it

Tell me about your day dont



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