everything is true always. i cant type on this keyboard because ive been gone from it for two weeks and at the end of this sentence i can. 
my point is whats true of the fear of crowded places is true of thinking you have to hide. thinking what you are isnt good enough and it needs to be hidden. you start to trust it because if what you were was good enough, why would you have been hiding all this time.
terrible things are done out of hiding. worse things than what you, i, am, are, doing. but still. its bad enough. a bad life is bad enough. even if the concequences are small, theyre huge for you. when youre not living the way you should. 
i want openness but im scared to death by it. it makes me incapable of saying words, like a teenage boy in a tv drama who cant say i love you. 

the thing about light

were all responsible for what ideas for what people seduce us. me as much as you. its hard to be upset at people when you can see exactly what led you to want Exactly this. i know yure sorry, and i know youre confused, but i just understood which part of me was looking for you and its not a part i obey 

lets thank god all they can see is our body

lets thank someone else. were swedish, after all. 


‪everything of value is easily ruined and easily cursed ‬

a baby bird. a small spark of light. potential but not a promise 

showing people you have more now, that you are more now, means you dont and youre not. 

i need them to not know. i can never be the person that tells them



heres working. there wont be a life of it

i try to think of it like. what would vernon think of this. but you know. i wouldnt know. lets gossip about an old woman thats bugging me
the small petty problems people, especially the ones with not so much to do but even the ones with more to do than theyre doing, create for themselves in an office are fascinating. the small hints they either dont know theyre sending or think youre too stupid to see. people cant help but be everything theyre feeling, all the time.
so youre 22. a 60 year old woman doesnt think twice giving you a mean stare. theres no empathy in these people just as theres no empathy in us. more so because were aware of it, but not by much. the complete unawareness.
its t in the excuses. in the small hostile acts. 
complaining about the tiniest thing, being bothered by the tiniest thing, assigning hostile intentions to everyone. you know theyre talking about you because they are. because when you spend 8 hours in a room, most of thats wasted. youll be sure youre home from a productive day at the office, though. im sure 

nonsense. the worlds built of it and from it more than its built of steel. maybe rocks the better word

you wouldnt believe, or maybe you would, how much nonsense there is in the world.
i might have explained it already.
over 8 hours you wouldnt believe how little and how much happens. all these people running around, doin gwhat theyre supposed to. 
waiting to escape waiting to get away can be a whole life and it clearly is. 
the work is useless. all these things that are meant to be archived and sorted. kept forever. or until the war. thanks for sorting these papers, we will use them to light a fire now.
a man came and asked about an art work. wanted to know where it went. youd wonder for what. or maybe thats me.
i feel sick being part of it. telling people where to sit and who to wait for. calling people saying their visit is here. call me and tell me my visits not here and i should go home. no amount of dresses are worth the price im paying in soul. 
the insight i get from it is mostly horryfing but its also real. i know what makes these people this small now. i know this demands it of them. ill explain in more detail in a minute. 
its 9 am and my backs already sore. i know where the bitterness comes from 

they have to

people are passionate about their small small small small lives. 



this isnt coming from a place where light goes

No duh, you dont compare to this eras most physically attractive. the look yuve been fed as the ideal isnt you and wont be no matter what you do 

you dont need to lie to yourself to see the truth in it. models dont look like models. they do look a hell of a lot prettier than us though. the price the pay is their whole life being this. and after that, remembering this

you can build something that isnt made out of flesh. made out of your flesh. build something that wont start to rot once your face looses its elasticity.

your face needs no inward light to light you up and then you turn 49

understanding and dead stares

i dont have a problem with opening up. i mean, yes, of course i do. but not to the extent i think. 
its mostly about that dead stare. that complete lack of understanding you see in most people.
i used to look for understanding everywhere because i had never felt it, in any way, at all. ive felt it now. and i dont need every blonde to see me clearly or at all. 
opening up and someone finding nothing in there is whats upsetting. so, you save yourself some trouble. let me redo that. so, i save myself some trouble, and i dont. 
ill explain anything if i think you can understand it. if i dont, and ive given up, thats on you more than it is on me. i know no one is everything, but You need to learn it too.

ive been spending something around 20 minutes looking at photos of some model

being famous comes at the price of being seen. in a way where it has nothing to do with you and its never you theyre watching 
i have moments of being completly critical of you (that, unlike what shed think, does has everything to do with her and what she symbolizes) but what it has nothing to do anything with is me. this is a worse world. theres millions of them. this ones not special.
a loss of the opportunity to live a life thats all about you, for a while, is a blessing. it wont stop being a blessing no matter how many designer dresses you think youre missing out on.
its not about coming to terms with not being beautiful, its coming to terms with not being the best in yet another thing. it kills me to see women do nothing with what i think id do everything if i had. but it wouldnt be like that. beautiful women find another reason. the world does their best to keep them from developing and the world does a good job. you wear pins in your 30s. you get cats instead of babies. 

i should write this down and i will

i have a hard time looking at my mother like anything but something i dont want to be. i have a hard time empathizing with her because ive made her into a monster for a long time. our relationship is damaged and considering what both her and me are like, will probably always be damaged but it doesnt need to be from my end. she doesnt need to forgive me for me to be able to forgive her.
its hard to see parents as mechianisms. not only because their mechanisms are in you but also because theyre in the way of you. 
i talked to her seriously about her hoarding. she told me that she used to collect the packages to her fathers cigars. she had about 1000 of them. when she came back from vacation her grandmother had thrown them all out. and because the times were different, the reaction was nothing. saying something meant getting slapped. so she never dealt with it. and she still hasnt. 
i think i cant ever see myself in her but i can. it just takes sitting her down for her to reveal it. and i shouldnt be surprised. i dont talk seriously to just anyone, and even when i do its not that clear. 
its not me who thought of the idea to Forgive a parent. ill try my best too though. im trying to be more patient with her too. not add as much craziness to the whole situation. 
anyway. im gonna study


its not that you know them, its who you know. 
when they say i would have never expected (them) to do this, thats because theyre stupid, not because no one was able to see it coming.
the men who rape and kill children arent innocent men even before. theyre men that have been to prison, men who do drugs, men who have showed in more than one way that maybe, just maybe, stay away from him. if you werent from the same situation as him youd be able to spot the sickness in him like the rest of us can. the reason we stay away from him, is because we can. 
i guess people cant be blamed for that. and i guess we cant spot every kind of sickness. but this is the kind the animal inside of you should be able to. 
im thinking of a specific case and a specific man but i forgot what his name was. some little girl in glasses in england. 
 theres a reason were never the ones in trouble. in any sort of real trouble, at least. we cant attract this and we never will. the reason our partner never stabs us in the head with a hammer, is because that man wouldnt ever be invited into our home. not accidentally, not through association, not through nothing. 
if were getting killed its because were out walking when we shouldnt be. not because we love someone we shouldnt. 

if a crazy woman cant fix you no one can

me as a psychologist:
id say imagine being Fixed by a crazy woman but thats stupid. who else!
although i feel like the symptoms of your craziness shouldnt be so Out there in the world. but im not sure that sort of being able to pretend is being anymore sane.
Seeming sane is a lot of effort. im not sure its the sanest of us who pull the act off. i look and sit completely different here, now, in public than i would at home. thats also the reason my entire body aches when i get home. from the lying. even when its the body doing it. i guess technically its anxiety but it sounds the same to me. anyway. the difference is enough awareness to have shame. maybe. being connected to the world means knowing whats frowned upon. effort is another thing. a lack of it becomes depression becomes sickness. so theres something natural about not wanting to be accosiated with it. wanting to be considered, too, wanting to be taken seriously, realizing on an instinctual if not concious level that acting right is part of that. 


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