fuck me=)

he isnt going to read this and neither is anyone else.

i dont know what it is about seeing these people live so very different lives from mine and i dont know when that became a symbol for you.

he isnt these things he lets me think he is.

why are you giving your enemies any time at all. vernon. why am i giving this. selling your soul to the devil because youre bored.

telling a fucking blog things id tell you

if you ever think youve found the right place you havent and you wont.


god

i can talk about emptiness for however long my next delusion is going to last but id seem as empty as anyone else being put in front of a camera 
 
ask me about fruit? okay. heres my favorites ones 
 
youre only as good as the questions you answer and i forget i dont have to answer all of them and do. 
 
and im biting my nails
 
 

i should be sleeping

everyone thinks their disease is so important. they want to talk about it they want you to talk about it. well! heres mine. lets talk about it. lets pretend youre reading about yours.
 
i spent hours looking at videos of models because i knew it would remind me of a boy i could talk to right now if i wanted to. one of the reasons i dont want to is that videos of models makes me think of him. you dont need to lie to yourself in sophisticated ways, i dont expect myself too, but the way ive been using lately is a little bit too predictable for my taste.
 
i dont want to explain so im not going to but i want to explain myself to him. but i wont.
what im missing is things that could have been but wont be. because i wont let it, fine. "youre failing you in the ways hes failing you" but also because he wont. somehow i care more about that.

i should study but i wont

i like thinking about all the things i have nothing to do with. not in a weird sort of Ah i dont matter kind of a way but really. everything in this city is here entirely without my involvement. without yours too, most likely. planes are invented planes land without any involvement from me. buildings! bridges! medicines! theres so much and ive done so little! the bad parts too of course. i guess theres also that. anyway im gonna study andn ot think about all of the ways im not doing anything

16:00

 

i told a friend ive realized i dont actually commit to anything, and she said haha wait you didnt already know that? 
 
AAAA self images. theyre fun 

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