if a crazy woman cant fix you no one can

me as a psychologist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3uNwSuo30
id say imagine being Fixed by a crazy woman but thats stupid. who else!
although i feel like the symptoms of your craziness shouldnt be so Out there in the world. but im not sure that sort of being able to pretend is being anymore sane.
Seeming sane is a lot of effort. im not sure its the sanest of us who pull the act off. i look and sit completely different here, now, in public than i would at home. thats also the reason my entire body aches when i get home. from the lying. even when its the body doing it. i guess technically its anxiety but it sounds the same to me. anyway. the difference is enough awareness to have shame. maybe. being connected to the world means knowing whats frowned upon. effort is another thing. a lack of it becomes depression becomes sickness. so theres something natural about not wanting to be accosiated with it. wanting to be considered, too, wanting to be taken seriously, realizing on an instinctual if not concious level that acting right is part of that. 


you can build whatever you want. nature will wreck it if its wrong 
28 mars 2018 17:22 notes


conflicts are complicated nets for you to untangle. or choose not to.

i wouldnt call it an accident

We will never do anything not asked of us. body and mind. our muscles wont grow unless we make them by breaking them down. and neither will we.
the worlds asks you to be kind and you are. the world asks you to take your clothes off and you do. the world asks you to only leave the house when you have to, and you do. 
 its true of years too. you are the world you were born into. old women born in the 30s who the years have made naive, will never be able to adjust to hell.  
being completely broken down and crushed is the only way to ever grow. i might shrink 


saw a woman crawl comfortably in filfth. was wondering if shes thinking about washing her hands. rememberd shes a psychologist. shes used to filfth 

sort of

stuck in family pictures, no matter how old, are dogs. as loved. as cared for. as special 


People dont have any sort of plan. your aunt (and since im using your, yes, its mine) is married to someone not because she lost her great love in a motorcycle accident but because she just needs someone. what i assumed was her great love might as well have been someone.
my mother summed it up like when you dont have kids, you do. and thats what it is. my mother has me and my sister to bother her, even though its complicated, maybe especially because its complicated. Your aunt, mine, doesnt have that. 
so to sum someones entire life up. lets get married. lets have kids. DO NOT DIVORCE ME 
oh. and the actual point was. in movies theres plans. theres a grand scheme you know. in real life theres day to day. why am i a receptionist? this isnt a life lived for the description of it, and it shouldnt be. but i guess falling into something and making it your life is as absurd as. okay im bored with this thought 


being ready is a concept for worse people. youre ready when you need to be. 
men need to be ready a lot later because the world lets them be worse. the world doesnt mind if theyre whores, so theyll be whores. not all but so many. 
if you find something good being 20 isnt gonna stop you from holding onto it. and whats right now wouldnt have been any other time, ever. 
why am i going with middle class peoples definitons of anything. i dont trust a word they say but when they say ill have to make sure someones READY to love me i listen? too sick to fit in this room. too sane too 


i dont want to thank time for anything thats mine. i dont want to have anything because Time lets me. 
i want to be able to count the reasons In Spite and for them to be overwhelmingly many. or else i wont trust it. if worlds arent trying to hold us apart how right can it be. 


i am so sick of religious people being called hateful. what do you think god is? whatever approves of you? love on your conditions? its not about what you want its about something bigger.

yes. morals tends to hurt.

Not being a complete animal doesnt come naturally to the man wearing the most expensive suit. he has to try a little too. maybe not as much as you. but a little. 

god doesnt tend to pray to satan.

absolute sinners. confusing their sickness for the worlds. 

dont talk about what they should feel after leaving a place you would burn if you even entered. 


i cant feel any way about anyone without wondering what that says about me. 
why does amber herds face annoy me and why doesnt blake livelys? 
maybe thats too much world view in one sentence. ahhhh why doesnt one pretty girl equal another pretty girl. its not based on absolutely nothing, theyre not models, and even if they were, that wouldnt even be based on nothing. i know what im seeing when im seeing someone move. i know what to make of it. it might take me a year to realize somethings harming me, but it wont take me a year to realize im bored. thats closer to one minute. and thank god. thats at least one thing i wont die of.
all the prettiest boys ive ever seen have all sort of looked like me. haha. how about that one. 

shirts and sweaters

im thinking of everything as misunderstandings and thats mostly what it is. other peoples context. vs yours. im very aware these arent new ideas but lately everythings been looking like Mostly this. like the description of the thing. it gets harder to feel things too, when youre too busy describing them. which is good. i shouldnt be feeling any type of way about small misunderstandings. about not living in the same world as people i can tell, by one look, i dont.
i told a 40 something year old woman she had a nice sweater. she looked around. i assumed it was because she didnt expect me to say that. nah. she was wearing a shirt. i made a joke saying "youre not wearing a sweater?" as in. not clothed. 
here the word for sweater is really. more of what everyone says for whatever top youre wearing. or at least thats the world ive been living in. so this is something specific to her. maybe people notice and think of you as unedcutated, which is about as pathetic, but shes pettier and wants you to be factually correct when you give her a compliment. the shirt was nice though 
im wondering whats wrong with her though. if what i, someone who feel like i make up the meaning of words most of the time, see as pettiness, is being literal. being factual. caring about these things. too much, but still, who am i to decide its too much. (its too much) id be less forgiving if she was my age, if i properly and thoroughly understood where she comes from and who she is. 

i have lunch in 3 minutes

"after some amount of fucking gates the rich person goes to hell. its just like that"
texts sent to liana.

not for long though

it feels like a great shame that so many lives we would have loved to live, that we could have learned from, are forgotten but it might actually be the only way it gets to remain pure. what it actually is. not used for some purpose, not simplified or perverted. just what it is. everything it is, exactly what it is.
well be names on a tomb stone. i can wait 


other than not caring about "sak-frågor" which is a word im not bothered to learn in this language, i dont think i know much less about politics than i should.
i can get behind socialsm on everything except for culture. i dont mean to be using other peoples words, but toxic masculinity, or just masculinity in general, wont be bound more than it has. cant be. theres only so much compromise before it either becomes explosive or it complies. and no one wants either of that. no ones mostly just me. 
and even so i guess i cant really. i dont value what they value. i cant read about people working without wanting to die a little. if i wasnt studying, right now, while, also right now, working, id feel like i was dying. 
its all incredibly depressing though. 
im gonna go back to writing now. 


everythings discouraging but theres nothing like empty conversations. or expecting them. and i am expecting them. im going to a family thing. i expect a headache and some words ill try to tell the blog not someone else 

i can feel whats in the way of me connecting to you. talking to you like i would someone else.

id give up all parts of my inviduality if it meant connecting to more people. enjoying the company of so few is frustrating. id say thats true for everyone but i know it isnt. its not an accident im not sitting with a group of 5 people i call friends at a cafee right this moment. 

this ones boring. im not deleting it but 

time. era.

theres no time, no era youll ever know as intimately as your own. now in a way 1930s hadnt ever heard of. but it all adds up to nothing. theres better things for you to learn. 

the information most useless to others is the most useful to you. find out whay you need and how youre gonna get it. 

reluctant to grow

im reluctant to grow. there isnt enough air in this town to go around. but i sorta like the idea of not being able to breathe 

boring! bored! not longing for anything that isnt an idea

i might move. somewhere. 

nerves. we have them?

nervous old women upset me. you shouldnt be so nervous. neither should i

The Look of you

i refuse to believe the Look of people isnt enough
i dont know what things mean, you know, i dont know what it means when someone says were going somewhere, i realize when im there or 5 minutes later after ive said yes and now i wish i had said no
i know who i like. for example. not this brown haired woman who just walked into the room
id love to be counted out by the look of me. not while im wearing a black dress though. thats just unrealistic 

not much

theres more to it but

too reluctant to suffer to make anything that means anything to anyone. too ready to repress anything not desireable. in a way that is more likely to lead to a life the middle classes would call sane than a life of whatever we think art can give us. the craziness expresses itself in some sporadic outburts. maybe ill collect something. any sick housewife. im excited

im not finishing these thoughts i wanna put clothes on not think

being pickier. having nothing to choose from
you always have things to choose from. but somtehing youre not looking for, is also gonna be not looking for you. 
law of whatever. theres always wrong lives wrong decisions youre saying no to. 
making less mistakes, having less crushing memories to look back to 


the story is written after it happens. as it happens no corner is darker than any other corner. and when it is, wed know better than to describe it as such.

expensive cafees, living someone elses life for 45 minutes

middle class girls going to expensive cafees, as if going somewhere you dont belong isnt bad for your soul. taking photos of it, it hurting a little bit when its 5 times what you could be paying for a coffee. blogging "one day i dream of owning a gucci bag, but this will due until then" is at least showing some sort of restraint in being a delusional mess but dreaming about it is bad too.
now, fine, thats a lot of talking from someone whos in love with someone that without a doubt is upper class, but you know, eh, introspection is something else. 
anything you have to justify to yourself in order to buy, you shouldnt have. this is as true for me.

the reward not the act

people get everything confused all the time. you need to worry about the cause. always. bad skin isnt bad skin, its a bad life
doing the right thing for the wrong reason, eventually, might become, the right thing. its more of the right thing than doing the wrong thing at least, but its much more likely that youll be doing the right thing so negligently, so  stupididy, not knowing youre holding something fragile, a light that is easily blown out, and youll have so much time, all of your time, actually, to pervert it. and when youre perverted, and you are, you cant help but pervert everything and anything you touch. 
you feel better when its less clutter. but committing to a thing like miniamlism, for the greed of spending less, for the aesthetic, makes you think youre good. makes you think theres something pure about this. and as a result you get even less pure than you would than if you were doing the wrong thing, knowing its wrong. 
doing isnt all. how and why. isnt even all. but its more. 
wanting to look good becomes that. not health. becomes sacrificing everything for that. 
most people dont wanna spend their life working. they want money so they can spend it. poor person mindset. what would we do if we all of a sudden got money we hadnt deservered. not, what if we worked for it. lets skip that. of course. lets skip the part in the movie where the main character struggles. 
 i have a problem with context, and i regulary think its a problem, and sometimes it is. but its also just not making assumptions i cant afford. now. of course. fine. most of the time you can afford them. but words mean something else, always. someone being a minimalist isnt what ive decided it is. and you half romantizicing it because it looks nice isnt the same as an old man who has realized he doesnt need or want more from this world. but it also has to extend. it cant just be sacridicing some comforts. it needs to be much more. trying is fine, but i dont look up to trying. 
someone writing a book isnt impressive unless ive read and loved the book. it isnt the achivement, it isnt the word of the thing, it is what that becomes in the world. theres as many addictions as there are people. sickness is more widespread in us and in others than we know. than we have words for. dont let the suit be why you cant spot sickness 


eventually people will stop reading a blog youre never updating! huh! i cant believe it 





*whispers* were so much bigger than the world

well, i am



capitalism and men

swearing off capitalism and men makes no sense. when there no love capitalism is all thats left. poor substitutes for a life is now your life. 
pick a better path. 
If you want to read everything ive ever written click "everything" under categories. I wont add a next page. It would take me 10 minutes and thats a long time. (Ive tried and its taken me more than 10 minutes to not be able to do it at all!) also. once you click everything, everything will be in swedish. not my posts. but everything else. so learn swedish.

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