im completely willing to get my heart broken but not in the way i would have thought about it when i was 18. 


if he wants to fuck someone else, he will. if he doesnt, he wont. 
thats a lot coming from someone who just went through years of someone elses blog posts. 


a woman said "youre taking that painting out to the rain?"
and he responded det blir så man måste göra det meaning "thats what it becomes it has to be done" 
haha. jesus. someone had a good dad 

aj aj aj

"where are the cars"
"we just have the box, but if u call them theyll tell u"
"i just thought you knew where they stood, but then ill call them"
the way she looked at me just now, angrily, making a mean comment 
this 50 year old woman haha
how am i supposed to be annoyed about what i Was annoyed about when people are going around being this....... strange
she asks me what mouth piece to use for the car, bla bla, i tell her bring both just in case. she says 
"you should tell them to put up a sign so i know which one of these im not the only one who rents a car for the first time" 
"its the first time and she doesnt know anything here" she just talked about me when im sitting right here haha
did vernon send you. youre a bitch


Vernon gave us this beautiful exercise because it’s for our true health and happiness.
     This is an exercise to increase our awareness of something that is not a part of the old mechanical life. Ask yourself, “What was I about to say?”
     Be determined to give yourself little jolts, and one you can give yourself is to be without your usual reaction to a situation. For instance, always saying the same things. Catch yourself saying,  “Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles,” and when you realize it’s just a mechanical habit, that’s the impetus to be more aware when saying it. Now, you can dare what all your life you called darkness, which is the unknown, and now you can go right into it and not have anything to say. You will then know for yourself when you don’t say “That’s the way the cookie crumbles” that there’s the empty space, which means there will be the non-re-creation of you.
     If you endure it, you hear the darkness lie to you and say, “You’re coming to an end, fill up the space with a remark, anything, say anything.” Stay awake and try to see what you are just about to say, and remember do not try to stop it. If you try to stop it, you are trying to stop it. Now you have inserted a you who is going to stop an old you, and they’re both you and they’re both wrong.
     Thought has no place in this operation. Notice the arising thoughts for you to say, “That’s the way the cookie crumbles,” and then eliminate the phrase forever.
     When you go home, take a piece of paper and at the top write Shock List, then write your favorite phrases you use when speaking to other people. Now, you may have two hundred of them, but just get the most frequent ones.
     The catching of the mechanical is the changing.
"Det är nog lugnt" 

the man obeying nature wins. you cant rewrite some books

ive been thinking about men. women too. im sitting in the reception and everywhere around me theres construction going on. you can picture it i wont learn the words to paint you a picture. lets work together here. whos reading? MATTHEW? HEJ!
women come up to me, having just walked by men in uniforms carrying saws and younger boys carrying furniture, commenting on the loud noise, on the mess. "nice working enviornment" they say, wanting me to agree. i dont
its seeing so many different kinds, maybe more, same kind different time, of people at the same time. no matter what they are and how long theyve been this and how long they will remain. of men. men are a different world from me no matter what theyre like, but seeing that theyre that to each other too, is just a little bit much.
these people in these meetings so capable one moment and so useless the next. the man obeying nature wins. he can build a house. you can con people out of their money. the way old men talk to each other is different. maybe stupid people too. thats where my references have come from. idiots and old men. old men afraid of honesty and openness and idiots incapable of it. i never expected men to talk to each other the way this boy and his friends do but now when i know that this is a possability, i can see it more. 
an old man made a rude joke about someone and a boy fake smiled. boys are better than men. thats my conclusion. the boy could be called a man too probably. hes not a child. just not an old man


my favorite thing about old men is how reluctant the good ones are to entertain you. to acknowledge you at all. unless they have to, and its rarely they have to. they should be reluctant. theres nothing, or at least very little except maybe some insight to how different the world is now, a 22 year old has to offer them if theyre looking at them right. and i did call them good. meaning what a 22 year old obviously has, that has nothing to do with Having and everything to do with being, doesnt interest a good man. 
you can see who has that light of, it might be awareness, or it might just be intelligence no matter how its been taken care of, in their eyes. and he does. 

its not

ill make a parody of anything youre feeling. especially if ive felt it before. maybe only if i have 
i repress my paranoia so well i think its missing 

nothing to

i have nothing to complain about which makes blogging difficult. made instagram useless. theres nothing to be annoyed at. nothing to work through. nothing to obsess about.  
the honesty ive been looking for has found me and im not sure ive deserved it. i wont obsess about that either. 

i guess ill be starting a new blog

i spend so much time fighting my nature i forget what it is. i need a new blog because i just felt like i needed to be vague in order not to have a problem im not interested in having. fine. 


everything is true always. i cant type on this keyboard because ive been gone from it for two weeks and at the end of this sentence i can. 
my point is whats true of the fear of crowded places is true of thinking you have to hide. thinking what you are isnt good enough and it needs to be hidden. you start to trust it because if what you were was good enough, why would you have been hiding all this time.
terrible things are done out of hiding. worse things than what you, i, am, are, doing. but still. its bad enough. a bad life is bad enough. even if the concequences are small, theyre huge for you. when youre not living the way you should. 
i want openness but im scared to death by it. it makes me incapable of saying words, like a teenage boy in a tv drama who cant say i love you. 

the thing about light

were all responsible for what ideas for what people seduce us. me as much as you. its hard to be upset at people when you can see exactly what led you to Exactly this. i know youre confused but i just understood which part of me was looking for this and its not a part i obey 

lets thank god all they can see is our body

lets thank someone else. were swedish, after all. 


‪everything of value is easily ruined and easily cursed ‬

a baby bird. a small spark of light. potential but not a promise 

showing people you have more now, that you are more now, means you dont and youre not. 

i need them to not know. i can never be the person that tells them




i try to think of it like. what would vernon think of this. but you know. i wouldnt know. lets gossip about an old woman thats bugging me
the small petty problems people, especially the ones with not so much to do but even the ones with more to do than theyre doing, create for themselves in an office are fascinating. the small hints they either dont know theyre sending or think youre too stupid to see. people cant help but be everything theyre feeling, all the time.
so youre 22. a 60 year old woman doesnt think twice giving you a mean stare. theres no empathy in these people just as theres no empathy in us. more so because were aware of it, but not by much. the complete unawareness.
its t in the excuses. in the small hostile acts. 
complaining about the tiniest thing, being bothered by the tiniest thing, assigning hostile intentions to everyone. you know theyre talking about you because they are. because when you spend 8 hours in a room, most of thats wasted

nonsense. the worlds built of it and from it more than its built of steel. maybe rocks the better word

you wouldnt believe, or maybe you would, how much nonsense there is in the world.
i might have explained it already.
over 8 hours you wouldnt believe how little and how much happens. all these people running around, doin gwhat theyre supposed to. 
waiting to escape waiting to get away can be a whole life and it clearly is. 
the work is useless. all these things that are meant to be archived and sorted. kept forever. or until the war. thanks for sorting these papers, we will use them to light a fire now.
a man came and asked about an art work. wanted to know where it went. youd wonder for what. or maybe thats me.
i feel sick being part of it. telling people where to sit and who to wait for. calling people saying their visit is here. call me and tell me my visits not here and i should go home. no amount of dresses are worth the price im paying in soul. 
the insight i get from it is mostly horryfing but its also real. i know what makes these people this small now. i know this demands it of them. ill explain in more detail in a minute. 
its 9 am and my backs already sore. i know where the bitterness comes from 

they have to

people are passionate about their small small small small lives. 



this isnt coming from a place where light goes

No duh, you dont compare to this eras most physically attractive. the look yuve been fed as the ideal isnt you and wont be no matter what you do 

you dont need to lie to yourself to see the truth in it. models dont look like models. they do look a hell of a lot prettier than us though. the price the pay is their whole life being this. and after that, remembering this

you can build something that isnt made out of flesh. made out of your flesh. build something that wont start to rot once your face looses its elasticity.

your face needs no inward light to light you up and then you turn 49

understanding and dead stares

i dont have a problem with opening up. i mean, yes, of course i do. but not to the extent i think. 
its mostly about that dead stare. that complete lack of understanding you see in most people.
i used to look for understanding everywhere because i had never felt it, in any way, at all. ive felt it now. and i dont need every blonde to see me clearly or at all. 
opening up and someone finding nothing in there is whats upsetting. so, you save yourself some trouble. let me redo that. so, i save myself some trouble, and i dont. 
ill explain anything if i think you can understand it. if i dont, and ive given up, thats on you more than it is on me. i know no one is everything, but You need to learn it too.

ive been spending something around 20 minutes looking at photos of some model

being famous comes at the price of being seen. in a way where it has nothing to do with you and its never you theyre watching 
i have moments of being completly critical of you (that, unlike what shed think, does has everything to do with her and what she symbolizes) but what it has nothing to do anything with is me. this is a worse world. theres millions of them. this ones not special.
a loss of the opportunity to live a life thats all about you, for a while, is a blessing. it wont stop being a blessing no matter how many designer dresses you think youre missing out on.
its not about coming to terms with not being beautiful, its coming to terms with not being the best in yet another thing. it kills me to see women do nothing with what i think id do everything if i had. but it wouldnt be like that. beautiful women find another reason. the world does their best to keep them from developing and the world does a good job. you wear pins in your 30s. you get cats instead of babies. 

i should write this down and i will

i have a hard time looking at my mother like anything but something i dont want to be. i have a hard time empathizing with her because ive made her into a monster for a long time. our relationship is damaged and considering what both her and me are like, will probably always be damaged but it doesnt need to be from my end. she doesnt need to forgive me for me to be able to forgive her.
its hard to see parents as mechianisms. not only because their mechanisms are in you but also because theyre in the way of you. 
i talked to her seriously about her hoarding. she told me that she used to collect the packages to her fathers cigars. she had about 1000 of them. when she came back from vacation her grandmother had thrown them all out. and because the times were different, the reaction was nothing. saying something meant getting slapped. so she never dealt with it. and she still hasnt. 
i think i cant ever see myself in her but i can. it just takes sitting her down for her to reveal it. and i shouldnt be surprised. i dont talk seriously to just anyone, and even when i do its not that clear. 
its not me who thought of the idea to Forgive a parent. ill try my best too though. im trying to be more patient with her too. not add as much craziness to the whole situation. 
anyway. im gonna study


its not that you know them, its who you know. 
when they say i would have never expected (them) to do this, thats because theyre stupid, not because no one was able to see it coming.
the men who rape and kill children arent innocent men even before. theyre men that have been to prison, men who do drugs, men who have showed in more than one way that maybe, just maybe, stay away from him. if you werent from the same situation as him youd be able to spot the sickness in him like the rest of us can. the reason we stay away from him, is because we can. 
i guess people cant be blamed for that. and i guess we cant spot every kind of sickness. but this is the kind the animal inside of you should be able to. 
im thinking of a specific case and a specific man but i forgot what his name was. some little girl in glasses in england. 
 theres a reason were never the ones in trouble. in any sort of real trouble, at least. we cant attract this and we never will. the reason our partner never stabs us in the head with a hammer, is because that man wouldnt ever be invited into our home. not accidentally, not through association, not through nothing. 
if were getting killed its because were out walking when we shouldnt be. not because we love someone we shouldnt. 

if a crazy woman cant fix you no one can

me as a psychologist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3uNwSuo30
id say imagine being Fixed by a crazy woman but thats stupid. who else!
although i feel like the symptoms of your craziness shouldnt be so Out there in the world. but im not sure that sort of being able to pretend is being anymore sane.
Seeming sane is a lot of effort. im not sure its the sanest of us who pull the act off. i look and sit completely different here, now, in public than i would at home. thats also the reason my entire body aches when i get home. from the lying. even when its the body doing it. i guess technically its anxiety but it sounds the same to me. anyway. the difference is enough awareness to have shame. maybe. being connected to the world means knowing whats frowned upon. effort is another thing. a lack of it becomes depression becomes sickness. so theres something natural about not wanting to be accosiated with it. wanting to be considered, too, wanting to be taken seriously, realizing on an instinctual if not concious level that acting right is part of that. 

as a fuck you to nature

you can build whatever you want. nature will wreck it if its wrong 


conflicts are complicated nets for you to untangle. or choose not to.

i wouldnt call it an accident

We will never do anything not asked of us. body and mind. our muscles wont grow unless we make them by breaking them down. and neither will we.
the worlds asks you to be kind and you are. the world asks you to take your clothes off and you do. the world asks you to only leave the house when you have to, and you do. 
 its true of years too. you are the world you were born into. old women born in the 30s who the years have made naive, will never be able to adjust to hell.  
being completely broken down and crushed is the only way to ever grow. i might shrink 


saw a woman crawl comfortably in filfth. was wondering if shes thinking about washing her hands. rememberd shes a psychologist. shes used to filfth 


People dont have any sort of plan. your aunt (and since im using your, yes, its mine) is married to someone not because she lost her great love in a motorcycle accident but because she just needs someone. what i assumed was her great love might as well have been someone.
my mother summed it up like when you dont have kids, you do. and thats what it is. my mother has me and my sister to bother her, even though its complicated, maybe especially because its complicated. Your aunt, mine, doesnt have that. 
so to sum someones entire life up. lets get married. lets have kids. DO NOT DIVORCE ME 
oh. and the actual point was. in movies theres plans. theres a grand scheme you know. in real life theres day to day. why am i a receptionist? this isnt a life lived for the description of it, and it shouldnt be. but i guess falling into something and making it your life is as absurd as. okay im bored with this thought 
If you want to read everything ive ever written click "everything" under categories. I wont add a next page. It would take me 10 minutes and thats a long time. (Ive tried and its taken me more than 10 minutes to not be able to do it at all!) also. once you click everything, everything will be in swedish. not my posts. but everything else. so learn swedish.

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