‪everything of value is easily ruined and easily cursed ‬

a baby bird. a small spark of light. potential but not a promise 

showing people you have more now, that you are more now, means you dont and youre not. 

i need them to not know. i can never be the person that tells them



heres working. there wont be a life of it

i try to think of it like. what would vernon think of this. but you know. i wouldnt know. lets gossip about an old woman thats bugging me
the small petty problems people, especially the ones with not so much to do but even the ones with more to do than theyre doing, create for themselves in an office are fascinating. the small hints they either dont know theyre sending or think youre too stupid to see. people cant help but be everything theyre feeling, all the time.
so youre 22. a 60 year old woman doesnt think twice giving you a mean stare. theres no empathy in these people just as theres no empathy in us. more so because were aware of it, but not by much. the complete unawareness.
its t in the excuses. in the small hostile acts. 
complaining about the tiniest thing, being bothered by the tiniest thing, assigning hostile intentions to everyone. you know theyre talking about you because they are. because when you spend 8 hours in a room, most of thats wasted. youll be sure youre home from a productive day at the office, though. im sure 

nonsense. the worlds built of it and from it more than its built of steel. maybe rocks the better word

you wouldnt believe, or maybe you would, how much nonsense there is in the world.
i might have explained it already.
over 8 hours you wouldnt believe how little and how much happens. all these people running around, doin gwhat theyre supposed to. 
waiting to escape waiting to get away can be a whole life and it clearly is. 
the work is useless. all these things that are meant to be archived and sorted. kept forever. or until the war. thanks for sorting these papers, we will use them to light a fire now.
a man came and asked about an art work. wanted to know where it went. youd wonder for what. or maybe thats me.
i feel sick being part of it. telling people where to sit and who to wait for. calling people saying their visit is here. call me and tell me my visits not here and i should go home. no amount of dresses are worth the price im paying in soul. 
the insight i get from it is mostly horryfing but its also real. i know what makes these people this small now. i know this demands it of them. ill explain in more detail in a minute. 
its 9 am and my backs already sore. i know where the bitterness comes from 

they have to

people are passionate about their small small small small lives. 



this isnt coming from a place where light goes

No duh, you dont compare to this eras most physically attractive. the look yuve been fed as the ideal isnt you and wont be no matter what you do 

you dont need to lie to yourself to see the truth in it. models dont look like models. they do look a hell of a lot prettier than us though. the price the pay is their whole life being this. and after that, remembering this

you can build something that isnt made out of flesh. made out of your flesh. build something that wont start to rot once your face looses its elasticity.

your face needs no inward light to light you up and then you turn 49

understanding and dead stares

i dont have a problem with opening up. i mean, yes, of course i do. but not to the extent i think. 
its mostly about that dead stare. that complete lack of understanding you see in most people.
i used to look for understanding everywhere because i had never felt it, in any way, at all. ive felt it now. and i dont need every blonde to see me clearly or at all. 
opening up and someone finding nothing in there is whats upsetting. so, you save yourself some trouble. let me redo that. so, i save myself some trouble, and i dont. 
ill explain anything if i think you can understand it. if i dont, and ive given up, thats on you more than it is on me. i know no one is everything, but You need to learn it too.

ive been spending something around 20 minutes looking at photos of some model

being famous comes at the price of being seen. in a way where it has nothing to do with you and its never you theyre watching 
i have moments of being completly critical of you (that, unlike what shed think, does has everything to do with her and what she symbolizes) but what it has nothing to do anything with is me. this is a worse world. theres millions of them. this ones not special.
a loss of the opportunity to live a life thats all about you, for a while, is a blessing. it wont stop being a blessing no matter how many designer dresses you think youre missing out on.
its not about coming to terms with not being beautiful, its coming to terms with not being the best in yet another thing. it kills me to see women do nothing with what i think id do everything if i had. but it wouldnt be like that. beautiful women find another reason. the world does their best to keep them from developing and the world does a good job. you wear pins in your 30s. you get cats instead of babies. 

i should write this down and i will

i have a hard time looking at my mother like anything but something i dont want to be. i have a hard time empathizing with her because ive made her into a monster for a long time. our relationship is damaged and considering what both her and me are like, will probably always be damaged but it doesnt need to be from my end. she doesnt need to forgive me for me to be able to forgive her.
its hard to see parents as mechianisms. not only because their mechanisms are in you but also because theyre in the way of you. 
i talked to her seriously about her hoarding. she told me that she used to collect the packages to her fathers cigars. she had about 1000 of them. when she came back from vacation her grandmother had thrown them all out. and because the times were different, the reaction was nothing. saying something meant getting slapped. so she never dealt with it. and she still hasnt. 
i think i cant ever see myself in her but i can. it just takes sitting her down for her to reveal it. and i shouldnt be surprised. i dont talk seriously to just anyone, and even when i do its not that clear. 
its not me who thought of the idea to Forgive a parent. ill try my best too though. im trying to be more patient with her too. not add as much craziness to the whole situation. 
anyway. im gonna study


its not that you know them, its who you know. 
when they say i would have never expected (them) to do this, thats because theyre stupid, not because no one was able to see it coming.
the men who rape and kill children arent innocent men even before. theyre men that have been to prison, men who do drugs, men who have showed in more than one way that maybe, just maybe, stay away from him. if you werent from the same situation as him youd be able to spot the sickness in him like the rest of us can. the reason we stay away from him, is because we can. 
i guess people cant be blamed for that. and i guess we cant spot every kind of sickness. but this is the kind the animal inside of you should be able to. 
im thinking of a specific case and a specific man but i forgot what his name was. some little girl in glasses in england. 
 theres a reason were never the ones in trouble. in any sort of real trouble, at least. we cant attract this and we never will. the reason our partner never stabs us in the head with a hammer, is because that man wouldnt ever be invited into our home. not accidentally, not through association, not through nothing. 
if were getting killed its because were out walking when we shouldnt be. not because we love someone we shouldnt. 

if a crazy woman cant fix you no one can

me as a psychologist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3uNwSuo30
id say imagine being Fixed by a crazy woman but thats stupid. who else!
although i feel like the symptoms of your craziness shouldnt be so Out there in the world. but im not sure that sort of being able to pretend is being anymore sane.
Seeming sane is a lot of effort. im not sure its the sanest of us who pull the act off. i look and sit completely different here, now, in public than i would at home. thats also the reason my entire body aches when i get home. from the lying. even when its the body doing it. i guess technically its anxiety but it sounds the same to me. anyway. the difference is enough awareness to have shame. maybe. being connected to the world means knowing whats frowned upon. effort is another thing. a lack of it becomes depression becomes sickness. so theres something natural about not wanting to be accosiated with it. wanting to be considered, too, wanting to be taken seriously, realizing on an instinctual if not concious level that acting right is part of that. 


you can build whatever you want. nature will wreck it if its wrong 
28 mars 2018 17:22 notes


conflicts are complicated nets for you to untangle. or choose not to.

i wouldnt call it an accident

We will never do anything not asked of us. body and mind. our muscles wont grow unless we make them by breaking them down. and neither will we.
the worlds asks you to be kind and you are. the world asks you to take your clothes off and you do. the world asks you to only leave the house when you have to, and you do. 
 its true of years too. you are the world you were born into. old women born in the 30s who the years have made naive, will never be able to adjust to hell.  
being completely broken down and crushed is the only way to ever grow. i might shrink 


saw a woman crawl comfortably in filfth. was wondering if shes thinking about washing her hands. rememberd shes a psychologist. shes used to filfth 

sort of

stuck in family pictures, no matter how old, are dogs. as loved. as cared for. as special 


People dont have any sort of plan. your aunt (and since im using your, yes, its mine) is married to someone not because she lost her great love in a motorcycle accident but because she just needs someone. what i assumed was her great love might as well have been someone.
my mother summed it up like when you dont have kids, you do. and thats what it is. my mother has me and my sister to bother her, even though its complicated, maybe especially because its complicated. Your aunt, mine, doesnt have that. 
so to sum someones entire life up. lets get married. lets have kids. DO NOT DIVORCE ME 
oh. and the actual point was. in movies theres plans. theres a grand scheme you know. in real life theres day to day. why am i a receptionist? this isnt a life lived for the description of it, and it shouldnt be. but i guess falling into something and making it your life is as absurd as. okay im bored with this thought 


being ready is a concept for worse people. youre ready when you need to be. 
men need to be ready a lot later because the world lets them be worse. the world doesnt mind if theyre whores, so theyll be whores. not all but so many. 
if you find something good being 20 isnt gonna stop you from holding onto it. and whats right now wouldnt have been any other time, ever. 
why am i going with middle class peoples definitons of anything. i dont trust a word they say but when they say ill have to make sure someones READY to love me i listen? too sick to fit in this room. too sane too 


i dont want to thank time for anything thats mine. i dont want to have anything because Time lets me. 
i want to be able to count the reasons In Spite and for them to be overwhelmingly many. or else i wont trust it. if worlds arent trying to hold us apart how right can it be. 


i am so sick of religious people being called hateful. what do you think god is? whatever approves of you? love on your conditions? its not about what you want its about something bigger.

yes. morals tends to hurt.

Not being a complete animal doesnt come naturally to the man wearing the most expensive suit. he has to try a little too. maybe not as much as you. but a little. 

god doesnt tend to pray to satan.

absolute sinners. confusing their sickness for the worlds. 

dont talk about what they should feel after leaving a place you would burn if you even entered. 


i cant feel any way about anyone without wondering what that says about me. 
why does amber herds face annoy me and why doesnt blake livelys? 
maybe thats too much world view in one sentence. ahhhh why doesnt one pretty girl equal another pretty girl. its not based on absolutely nothing, theyre not models, and even if they were, that wouldnt even be based on nothing. i know what im seeing when im seeing someone move. i know what to make of it. it might take me a year to realize somethings harming me, but it wont take me a year to realize im bored. thats closer to one minute. and thank god. thats at least one thing i wont die of.
all the prettiest boys ive ever seen have all sort of looked like me. haha. how about that one. 

shirts and sweaters

im thinking of everything as misunderstandings and thats mostly what it is. other peoples context. vs yours. im very aware these arent new ideas but lately everythings been looking like Mostly this. like the description of the thing. it gets harder to feel things too, when youre too busy describing them. which is good. i shouldnt be feeling any type of way about small misunderstandings. about not living in the same world as people i can tell, by one look, i dont.
i told a 40 something year old woman she had a nice sweater. she looked around. i assumed it was because she didnt expect me to say that. nah. she was wearing a shirt. i made a joke saying "youre not wearing a sweater?" as in. not clothed. 
here the word for sweater is really. more of what everyone says for whatever top youre wearing. or at least thats the world ive been living in. so this is something specific to her. maybe people notice and think of you as unedcutated, which is about as pathetic, but shes pettier and wants you to be factually correct when you give her a compliment. the shirt was nice though 
im wondering whats wrong with her though. if what i, someone who feel like i make up the meaning of words most of the time, see as pettiness, is being literal. being factual. caring about these things. too much, but still, who am i to decide its too much. (its too much) id be less forgiving if she was my age, if i properly and thoroughly understood where she comes from and who she is. 

i have lunch in 3 minutes

"after some amount of fucking gates the rich person goes to hell. its just like that"
texts sent to liana.

not for long though

it feels like a great shame that so many lives we would have loved to live, that we could have learned from, are forgotten but it might actually be the only way it gets to remain pure. what it actually is. not used for some purpose, not simplified or perverted. just what it is. everything it is, exactly what it is.
well be names on a tomb stone. i can wait 


other than not caring about "sak-frågor" which is a word im not bothered to learn in this language, i dont think i know much less about politics than i should.
i can get behind socialsm on everything except for culture. i dont mean to be using other peoples words, but toxic masculinity, or just masculinity in general, wont be bound more than it has. cant be. theres only so much compromise before it either becomes explosive or it complies. and no one wants either of that. no ones mostly just me. 
and even so i guess i cant really. i dont value what they value. i cant read about people working without wanting to die a little. if i wasnt studying, right now, while, also right now, working, id feel like i was dying. 
its all incredibly depressing though. 
im gonna go back to writing now. 


everythings discouraging but theres nothing like empty conversations. or expecting them. and i am expecting them. im going to a family thing. i expect a headache and some words ill try to tell the blog not someone else 

i can feel whats in the way of me connecting to you. talking to you like i would someone else.

id give up all parts of my inviduality if it meant connecting to more people. enjoying the company of so few is frustrating. id say thats true for everyone but i know it isnt. its not an accident im not sitting with a group of 5 people i call friends at a cafee right this moment. 

this ones boring. im not deleting it but 

time. era.

theres no time, no era youll ever know as intimately as your own. now in a way 1930s hadnt ever heard of. but it all adds up to nothing. theres better things for you to learn. 

the information most useless to others is the most useful to you. find out whay you need and how youre gonna get it. 

reluctant to grow

im reluctant to grow. there isnt enough air in this town to go around. but i sorta like the idea of not being able to breathe 

boring! bored! not longing for anything that isnt an idea

i might move. somewhere. 

nerves. we have them?

nervous old women upset me. you shouldnt be so nervous. neither should i